Things I Said I Would Never Do as a Parent

October 9, 2016 by @50percentmum

Before I became a mum, I was very good at taking the moral high ground when it came to parenting. I would slyly look at families going about their daily routines and think “when I become a parent, I won’t be like that”. Where the hell did it all go wrong? My morals have slipped rather dramatically and now I’ll do anything to survive the day.

I will never use idle threats

Bed time in our house is a battle ground. I factor it is as part of my daily exercise routine due to the amount of times I run up and down the stairs. It is amazing how the boys leave it until bedtime to start playing so imaginatively and compatibly. On my 10th trip up the stairs it is all out war. “If you don’t go to sleep right now… [insert threat of your own choice]”. This will range from no iPad, TV, friend over to play through to being disinherited. Eventually they relent and we can go back to watching Game of Thrones in peace without having to mute the TV every 2 minutes.

I will never shout at my children

What no one tells you is that the sound of your child crying and whining is like being stabbed in the heart and punched in the head. They perfect the pitch to the ‘unbearable’ setting and then leave it there until you can’t stand it anymore. I shout at home, in the car, at the park, in the supermarket and in the library. I shout in frustration and exasperation, I shout when I am tired and can’t take anymore. It never works and I know I shouldn’t but, I do. I put my hands up. Maybe my pre-mum self, had the right idea.

I will never let them watch too much TV

The TV and the iPad are my friends and common allies. Without them I would be a crying, rocking mess in the corner. How did I ever think I could survive without them? I even bought up the entire Baby Einstein DVD collection which I ritually planted my 3 month old in front of when I needed to get a job done. He totally loved it and it had ‘Einstein’ in the title so can’t be all bad.

I will never do anything gross

Nearly everything to do with kids is a little bit gross. You pick up your baby to get a good sniff of their nappy. You catch their vomit in your hands so you don’t have to change the sheets. You help suck snot out of their little noses so they can breathe more easily. The list goes on and on.

I will not talk endlessly about my children

As you can tell, this has not worked out too well. Whether it is the first step, the swim badge, the football trophy or that hilariously funny thing that they just said, I can’t help it. I over-share with the best of them and only hope they don’t resent me for it when they are older.

I admire my pre-mother self. I would have been a really rather wonderful mum if I had followed my own advice. However, motherhood tests us all and we never know the real truth until we are living it. Maybe I can save model mum for the grandchildren.